I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
