So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
