The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
