i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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