I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
