apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
