You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
