I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
