i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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