Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
