Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
