I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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