I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Everything about him screamed your future.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
