Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
