thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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