so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am available for nakedness
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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