Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Of course I have a pirate flag
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
