i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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