I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
