So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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