I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
