do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
