I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
