Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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