I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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