I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
