I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize