Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
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