Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
