I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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