this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm just crazy horny about you
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
