Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Still dying that you shit outside
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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