I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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