I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize