Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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