This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
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