i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize