The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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