I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
