omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just had sex on a roof
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
