____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
