Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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