Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize