I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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