Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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