I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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