if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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