He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
