The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
