I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
