Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
