On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
