this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
