dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
