also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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