i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
