Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
