Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
