Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
